Okay so honestly i have no idea if id still be using or not. I really don't want to know because if i never went to prison i wouldn't of learned how to love myself which has been my issue my whole life and it destroyed me, i destroyed myself because i hated who i was.You know a lot of people say that you use because of the environment you live in and grow up in. Now not sure exactly how my environment lead to drugs but this is how it was....
My mom traveled for work and my dad was a truck driver and they weren't divorced until i went to prison. I had one sibling that was completely normal to me. Actually i consider my sister as my idol and at one point in time she felt the same about me. Nevaeh is a later topic but that's what that is surrounded with. My parents never beat me or raped me and neither did my sister. The bad things that did happen though i guess was enough to make me turn to drugs.
My sister pretty much raised me. I started with weed. Not much tho because I didn't really like what it did to me. That was when i was 14 or 15. My sister skipped school a lot and ran away a lot which got me taken out of volleyball a few times and when it happened with gymnastics i just quit. I couldn't learn anything if i was never there. I've always been the black sheep in my family and a little to happy and i always seemed to bug people cuz i wanted to be around and hang out. I never had anyone go to any of my birthday parties or anything so i guess i just started hating whoever didn't like me and loving anyone that would pay attention to me. It is still hard for me today to deny someone that likes me. Its caused a lot of problems in my relationships. Especially to those who are genuine and true. Like the one im in now which I have never been loved so truly in my life. Its a feeling you cant describe. Well i cheated and to be honest, i dont know why i did because it was not what i wanted. I did it while he was in jail. I started looking up on the internet about why people cheat, if they love their spouse, and anything that i could think of to just understand myself more. One thing i do know though is that it made me understand how much i did feel towards him and how much of a difference there was between him and i and others i had a past relationship with. I know this man is my one true love and i will never fault him or hurt him like that EVER again.
wow way off topic here....
anyways, honestly i feel like if i wasn't who i am today that i would continue to use and heavily at that. I dont think that DOC or anything else will be the ultimate do or dont for me. It all depends on me and me alone.
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