Is it impossible to give your heart away when it belongs to someone else?
This was wrote awhile ago but im putting a lot of my drafts back out there because i think they should be there even if i don't want certain people in my life to see it or not. So here it goes....
This is straight from the heart in a moment of pain, wishing I could get rid of it. Wanting to disappear....
Is it??
And if you do, is that really love? or is it just all fake? Are you wrong for trying again? How do you know when you can start letting yourself go again? How can I trust again when I'm this torn up? How do you know when you are ready?
Fuck I have so many questions. I was sitting here and out of nowhere, I smelled my ex's scent. It's the most relaxing and loving smell to me and I hate not smelling it all the time anymore. I have fell in love with a man that will never love me back the way I love him. I feel selfish for trying to move on because what if I can't? Then I'm just gonna hurt that person that I'm seeing just like I got hurt. I just don’t even want to try at this point because I don’t know if Im wasting their time and that’s not fair to them or me. This man is a great man. Loyal, respectful and trustworthy. He lies about stupid shit. He isn’t working right now and he has another female trying to get him back really hard. So those things would need to change before I even tried with him but the reality is, I don’t know if I'm ready to be with someone again or not. I cant even have sex with another male without feeling guilty about it. The reason for that is because I don’t feel like I belong to anyone else. When him and I didn’t talk it was worse. I was dying inside piece by piece and im having a lot of heart problems and I believe that is why. It was crazy, when I went to the doctors for chest pain and they told me what the EKG read. I had later looked it up and one of the causes of it is a broken heart. Which I’m not going to lie, I don’t really believe that. For an off chance that, that is true then I don’t want to be anyone else emotionally because then my heart literally does belong to him till the day that I die. I don’t think im ready for this. I worked so hard on myself to improve in places where I never thought possible to change but it worked. Im slowly but surely giving up on improving myself and falling down hill quickly the more that I realize were not getting back together. All I want is my chance at happiness, which I wont get without him. Is that part really true though? I need to know if I'm able to release my heart from these chains of impending doom or if its stuck forever inside this man that doesn’t see me as a lover anymore, that is more concerned about his comfortability, money, and everything he ever dreamed of but with the wrong person. I know that he says that he has dreamed of being back with this women since he was a teenager but he said that she is not who she used to be. Of course a few decades go by and she is going to be a different person. She hasn’t been able to be who you need in almost every aspect of herself yet so I doubt she ever will be able to. Even though my heart belongs to this man, should I ever even go back to him since he left me like he did. That just goes to show that he doesn't love me and I'm wasting my time.
See I have all these questions and all these thoughts. They all revolve around one person though. I smelt his scent when I closed my eyes awhile ago and it was the best few seconds I've felt in a long time. I don't think I'm ready to be with anyone else. I also don't want to lose my chance at happiness with anyone that I come across. Just because my heart is somewhere else, that doesn't mean that I can't bring something to the table but all of it is just a waste of their time.
Fuck you man for putting a chain around my heart, fuck you for breaking that chain. Fuck you for leaving that chain wrapped around my heart with your name on it. And Fuck you for forgetting that you left it there. Your a selfish, inward thinking individual that doesn't deserve my love anymore but that will always have it until the day I die. Fuck you one last time for giving me something I could never have to begin with.
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